my new year's bird scare

ok so the kids and me recently moved to a new place...and the cat and dog stayed behind with my ex. the kids really wanted another pet and had been bugging me for a bird. since we all love Robin's cockatiel, Jasmine, so much, we decided that santa would be bringing a cockatiel for Christmas.

2 weeks before christmas, i saw an ad in the paper for hand-raised baby cockatiels, so i went to have a look. this guy had a tiny little house with a cat and 2 kids and a whole slew of birds flying/running around. you couldn't walk without crunching on birdseed shells....the place was a madhouse.

my original intention was to have a look and put down a deposit, then return on Christmas eve and pick up a bird. i tried to handle a few of the baby cockatiels and most of them tried to bite me or wouldn't sit on my finger or whatever. except for one. this one came right to me, sat on my finger, and climbed around on my coat, checking me out. she had such a nice personality, i knew she was the one. i knew if i left and came back, i'd never get the same bird, so i decided to take her with me then and just tell the kids that Santa brought something a little early...

anyway, fast forward to Christmas day. Mohawk had been with us for 2 weeks and was really friendly with the kids and me. she was a perfect pet. so my mom and brother came over and wanted to see the bird. but when we got her out of her cage, she was limping. more than just limping really, she wasn't using one of her legs at all. i was really scared.

the leg didn't appear broken or injured in any obvious way, but she just wasn't using it. i took all the high perches out of her cage and put a towel on the bottom to try to keep her from hurting herself worse. i read on the internet that warmth was important, so i broke down and turned up the thermostat for her. i spent a week expecting every day to come home and find her dead. but i didn't. she was extra clingy though and i even slept with her a few nights. she slept right on my neck all night...such a sweet little birdie.

by New Year's Day, her foot seemed much better. she was using it again. i was very relieved. i started letting her out of her cage more. this particular time, she was sitting on Jillian's shoulder and all the kids were watching cartoons. next thing i know, the bird is hopping over to me and i notice this huge bloody looking bubble sticking out from her stomach! OMG....what the heck happened? i picked her up carefully and tried to get a better look but she wouldn't let me near it. i was freaking out. the bird was freaking out. i put her in her cage for a while so we could all calm down.

i couldn't figure out what could have happened. was it a hernia? do birds get hernias? was it some sort of secondary injury related to the hurt foot/leg? i had no idea. but i felt sure my poor birdie was going to die. i looked all over the internet for bird hernias. all i knew was i certainly can't afford to pay for hernia surgery on a bird...

i was so sad...i had gotten so attached to the poor little thing. and now her intestines were falling out of her abdomen....

i took the bird out of her cage so she wouldn't have to die alone. she walking around on my shoulder acting like she was perfectly fine with this huge red bubble sticking out of her stomach. she let me touch it gently and i thought...i dunno...maybe i could gently push things back inside where they were supposed to be...

that's when i realized. my bird didn't have a hernia. she had a freaking piece of candy stuck to her feathers. jeeeeeeeeeeeeez.

she'll be gone

in a moment she'll be gone
but you'll never know it
not till much much later
there'll be no slamming door
no jealous accusations
no threats
no storm clouds overhead
no outward sign at all
it's a delicate balance
a tipping of the scales
one final fatal misstep
on your part
snuffing the last remaining ember
in her heart
then her silent departure
and all is cold
take it from someone who knows
one minute she's with you
the next she'll be gone
it's like the flick of a switch
the silent press of a button
the straw that brought the camel down
she'll love you like there's no tomorrow
and you'll never see it
never appreciate
never see the grass is just as green
in your own back yard
misunderstood intentions
you'll take her for granted
until she's gone
and when her heart is gone from you
you'll never convince it to return....

The Dirty Things People Say at Thanksgiving Dinner

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18 That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

steven wright is the awesomest

here are a few of my favorite quotes:

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

a moment of silence

i have been in the process of moving out of my house for the past week or so. i got a pod and put all the stuff in there that i'm planning to take to my new place. my neighbor came over one night helped me move a couple of the heavier things that i couldn't lift by myself.

that's when we discovered the rhinoceros corpse in my living room.

rhinoceros beetle corpse, that is.

we were lifting the antique dresser given to me by my grandmother and there he was, lying underneath. all stiff and crispy-like. what he was doing under there i have no idea. maybe he was trying to lift that big heavy thing and had a heart attack. the dresser was certainly more than 850 times the weight of that brave little beetle. musta just been too much for the poor little guy. i haven't had the heart to tell the kids yet. i'd rather they go on thinking he escaped back to the outside world where he is roaming free and happy, doing...whatever it is that rhinoceros beetles do.

he was a good rhinoceros beetle and we'll miss him. my grief is eased only by the knowledge that he's gone on to a better place. i'd like to propose a moment of silence for good old...whats-his-name.

*********************************************************************************

the pee burgular

apparently our house was burgled last night while we were sleeping. well, i guess i can't technically say it was burgled because nothing was taken. instead it seems that *something* was left behind.

dna evidence, to be exact, which was unfortunately flushed down the toilet and lost forever. so we will never know who the alleged burgular was, but i am passing the word anyway so all my neighbors and friends will be aware of his (or her?) rather bizarre and disturbing m.o.

so this is how it happened. the kids got up for school this morning and after breakfast, my son went to brush his teeth and use the bathroom. he is the one who discovered the burgulary and raised the alarm. according to him, *someone* peed in the toilet and didn't flush. he claims it was not him and he has a rock solid alibi, as do the other 2 kids. none of them dunit. i certainly didn't do it. the cat is not toilet trained and the dog was outside all night.

the only possible remaining conclusion we could come to is that somebody broke in to our house, peed and ran away... (cue mission impossible theme song and imagine that)....

so the kids have now decided we should booby trap the house in case the so-named pee burgular returns to victimize us again...

i'm a jeanious!

it's true... by combining exactly the right elements of my exellent problem solving abilities, my sometimes devious thought processes and my astounding physical hyperflexibility, i've actually managed to defy and defeat a law of physics.

you know, the one that says you can't be in two places at one time?

it all started, as most great accomplishements do, with the presentation of a dilemma.

my mom contacted me at 14:00 hours on Tuesday afternoon to explain that she had been called to a secret emergency round table meeting of elementary school principals that was convening the following day in Salsbury, Maryland. for this reason, she would be unable to transport my offspring to and from their educational enrichment center for the day. i would be left to handle the job myself...

that presented a problem because, well, the children would need to be removed from their aftercare program prior to 18:00 hours. that presented a problem because my wednesday night anatomy and physiology lecture does not terminate until 18:00 hours.

also of note, neither the children's school nor my college have yet installed teleportation equipment. no, i would have to seek a more old fashioned way to overcome my quandary....

my first instinct was to just bag class. i mean, my class attendance record so far borders on the anal retentive, so what would missing one teensy weensy little lecture hurt, right?

wrong!

i refuse to allow my education suffer because of a simple timing discrepancy. i just knew there had to be another way....

then a brilliant idea hit me.

i temporarily acquired a hospital-owned dictaphone from my office and brought it with me to class. at the predetermined moment, i set the device to record and excused myself from the classroom. then i dashed to my car and drove like a madwoman to the children's school, which was a half hour drive away, collected them quickly and returned to my college campus. i sauntered back into the classroom just as lecture ended, as if i had only just returned from a somewhat extended visit to the ladies room. i collected the dictaphone (along with a recording of the evening's lecture) and departed for home.

later, my offspring and i celebrated the success of my brilliant scheme with a trip to the golden arches. and once again, all is well in my world.