steven wright is the awesomest

here are a few of my favorite quotes:

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?